Christians, Can You Please Fuck Off? Jesus May Stay

Warning: Sarcastic content might offend the dumb-witted

“Christianity” has been on the rise lately. I wrote a thoughtful but not-so-funny article about the insanity of going back to Christianity some months back:

Today, I feel like taking the piss about religious hypocrites. A lot. If you have thin skin, now is a good time to stop reading, primarily if you identify as a classic church-going Christian.

And if you are also still convinced that the only way to God is only through Jesus, then get the fuck out of here before you get severely humiliated by acidic sarcasm.

To the Jesus lovers, I say, don’t worry. I won’t diss, disrespect, misrepresent or weaponize the true Jesus. Unwittingly, the religious Christians do that much better than me. And I won’t overly diss the Bible, either. However, I give it a reality check and uplift it to 2024.

Let’s start with the very core of the Christian ego trip.

This shows that words matter. It is such a harmless little paragraph. But in the wrong hands and minds, it was abused, weaponized, and justified almost every crime against humanity and war fought over the past 2000 years.

What? You are still here? You can’t help yourself, can you? You must defend the Lord.

You can’t just stick to your own business. No, no, no. You will not rest until the last lost sheep has been saved.

I can hear you loud and clearly:

“IT IS WRITTEN SO. IN THE BOOK. JESUS SAID IT”, you keep telling us.

Well, suit yourself. You might struggle with the next bit, though. It is for people who can use logic, have common sense, and think for themselves.

Firstly, it is a historical fact that the Bible was cobbled together over decades by many authors with weird names like Deuteronomy, Corinthians, and Ephesians, who never met Jesus or heard him say anything. It was sort of hearsay, sort of Chinese whispers. Here we go:

Secondly, context matters greatly.

Let’s not forget - Jesus was a spiritually awakened rebel, not unlike some dissidents nowadays, that realise that people get fucked over badly by greedy, power-hungry, and brutal baddies. Worldy and religious ones.

Just imagine you drive to work tomorrow, turn left at Hungry Jacks and in the free lot behind, you see 22 bodies nailed on crosses in all states of misery.

That was the vibe then. It was tough. Thinking about it, however, it might stop people from complaining in the drive-through about their coffee having too little soy milk.

So people turned to God for help, not unlike today. Not enough soy milk sucks and can ruin a good man’s day.

The religious Jews at the time were a little bit like the religious Christians nowadays: Corrupt hypocrites who had no clue about true spiritual awakening.

Jesus knew that because he, judged by the profound statements that survived the Chinese whispers and 2000 years of Christian censorship, had a true spiritual awakening and realized:

“Hell, what these Jewish priests do in their temples is so fucked up. It keeps the people from having any meaningful spiritual awakenings.”

So, hothead lion Jesus got a bit angry and did his temple thing, which got him killed, of course.

The Jewish priests saw their superannuation threatened by this new weird sect that put love and compassion above all, a bit like the hippies in the 70ties. I wonder if magic mushrooms grew in Judaea at the time, but that is another story.

Anyway, no money can be made with love and compassion, so the priest ran to the Romans and yelled: Kill this fucker; he is ruining our little spiritual business here.

Initially, the lazy Romans couldn’t be bothered. They had orgies and hangovers to negotiate. So they said to the Jews: “Have you tried religious propaganda yet? We do it all the time in Rome. Works well with stupid scared people.”

Frustrated, the Jewish priests went back to their temples and pulled out the most scary and deadly threats from the Old Testament and bombarded the Jesus lovers with it. And as people do, they got scared and reconsidered their alliances.

On one side, this lovely hippie bloke was so lovely, compassionate, and inspiring.

On the other side, you don’t want to fuck with the Jewish God and the greedy priests either. Jehovah is insanely jealous and tremendously powerful, the priests said. Maybe they even managed to frame and crucify some low-ranking Jesus fans to scare the other shitless; who knows?

An admittingly much harsher version of what currently happens to

CJ Hopkins

and

Dr. Reiner Fuellmich

.

Long story short, Jesus realized that propaganda and scare tactics work. His disciples lost some enthusiasm seeing some brothers dying on the cross. When he realized the fucking Jewish priests are winning he ramped it up a notch and made a little speech:

He had to do something. Does that mean that no one ever found God without him? No Buddha, Laotze, Krishna, Socrates, Dionises, or whatever the names of countless mystics who walked the Earth before him. Don’t be so stupid. Don’t be so Christian.

This was about year 30 in the backwoods of Judaee. There was no Internet, newspaper, schools, or books. People had never heard of Buddha, Krishna, or Socrates. All that existed was what happened in front of their eyes.

It was a spiritual duel between the old Jewish books, the corrupt old-guard priests, and the love-tripping Jesus.

And that, people, is the context of Jesus’s little speech. He isn’t fending off the whole spiritual world because the entire spiritual world didn’t exist in the backwoods of Judae in year 30.

These weren’t the spiritual Olympics. This spiritual contest resembled a soccer match between Kasungu United and the Mzimba Strikers in Malawi.

Christianity (and Judaism) became a big deal later in history. But that was long after Jesus gave his little speech and had little to do with Jesus and what he taught.

If Christianity had anything to do with Jesus’ actual teachings, the whole world would be occupied by happy-loving hippies now.

Look at the fucking Christian-Jewish-Muslim world: Does it look like Jesus has anything to do with it? For fuck sake, grow some brain cells.

The opposite happened. As soon as the cunning early Christians got their little greedy fingers on it, Jesus’ actual teachings were converted to institutionalised religious bullshit to keep the power-greed mafia in control. And to win wars.

Fast forward 2000 years and nothing has changed.

The power-hungry few still pretend Christianity is something spiritual and a good thing for “the people” when, in reality, it is a propaganda device for those in power.

It beats free opium (they tried that recently). Both put the users in a rosy, illusionary cloud where “everything will just be ok” until the high wears off. But Christianity doesn’t kill its addicts, and even today, it looks somehow wrong when a lot of people die on government-sponsored programs.

Christianity (and other religions) is the biggest and most successful psyop against the people the world has ever seen. And one man who knows all about success is using it again.

Donald Trump did a recent podcast with Lex Friedman.

At the very end, the very last question, Lex Friedman, in his black priestly suit and trademark vampire-like demeanour (I wonder if Lex bleeds when you cut him - he looks so dry), threw Trump the perfect, previously negotiated curveball:

“How often do you think about your death? Are you afraid of it?”

Fuck, that’s deep. Especially after “The Bullet”. We can sense the whole listenership holding their breath. The thick velvet curtains in the studio are dripping with existential meaning.

Saint Donald sobers up and gets deeply spiritual:

I think our country's missing a lot of religion. I think it really was a much better place with religion.” […]

It was a guide. You want to be good to people. […] I'd love to see us get back to religion, more religion in this country.”

What he didn’t say directly was this:

“You want to be good? Vote for me because God just saved me from a bullet. He is in my camp. If you vote for Trump you vote for God.”

“Yes, I fucked around with prostitutes, was nasty as fuck to countless people most of my life, and amassed billions of dollars by being greedy but hey, being good to people is much better. I like that. Let’s get religion back for a few months.”

He also revealed that Elon Musk is working on a flying AI-robot/anointer angel” to be delivered on the 20th of January 2025.

Trump got the idea when he researched his ancestry. He found a painting of his great-great-great-great grandfather:

Some deranged conspiracy theorists have pointed out how the established political parties in many countries have turned democracy into a joke by providing the people only with candidates approved and groomed by “The Party Committee” and “The Capital.” They totally miss the divine angle, let alone the angel.

In reality, they say, there is only one power-and-greed uni-party that manifests as Democrats and Republicans to give people the illusion of choice. This is obviously nonsense.

They miss entirely the fact that there is another level above that. The worldly and religious powers are the true uni-party. Any apparent conflicts between them are staged, and they duel over stupid minor issues to distract from what unites them: greed and power.

Here is a recent example of the collusion between state, science and religion.

Dangerous and deranged vaccine clown Peter Hotez just wrote “a paper” (I am getting so allergic to that word) titled pompously “Vaccine Science Diplomacy and The Phenomenon of Man.”

WtF?

If the term “full of shit” ever needs a home, Peter Hotez is the perfect vessel.

John Leake

has sacrificed himself reading this garbage and published “Peter Hotez Ventures into Theology”, in which he sarcastically describes Hotez as the “Pontifex Maximus of the Vaccine Cult.”

Hotez does not even try to look respectable. I am surprised Hollywood hasn’t hired him yet as a mad scientist villain character. The mysterious elevation of this fuckwit to a “Covid Expert” is a prime example of how bizarre, weird and grotesque our media world has become.

I spare you all the gibberish. In a nutshell, he wants an alliance between the COVID priests and the Christian priests to push more vaccines on the billions of deranged poor people who still admire the Pope as their saviour. (This is actually true; there is no sarcasm, and even I can’t make that up.)

Another COVID shot is exactly what improves your life when you live in a corrugated iron shack in the slums of Sao Paulo.

New-age hippie Russell Brand got baptized, and Jordan Peterson wants to bring back the jealous Jewish God of old to scream at fat forty-year-old American boys at their PlayStation to fucking clean up their room so America will be great again. Good luck with that, Jordan. Several other influencers follow the Christian trend.

Even fucking Joe Rogan makes snorting Christian noises sometimes. (I still like him, though, mostly because I can call him “Fucking Joe Rogan”, and he would be a hypocrite to tell me off. He made swearing “cool” again, and I embraced it.

Thank God Sam Harris is not faltering. All will be lost the day Sam Harris falls prey to the Christians. The combined forces of Mr I-know-it-all-and-I-am-always-right-and-everyone-bullies-me and the Christian We-know-it-all-and-we-are-always-right-and-everyone-bullies-us will be unstoppable.

Talking about poor Christians getting bullied. This is from the article mentioned in the intro.

Do you agree that “evil” Google is firmly on the Globalist side and that Christianity is in the “good” anti-globalist, anti-tech corner? I have a little exercise for you. Type in “Atrocities committed by Christians” and click on images. What you get is this:

Let’s analyze the first eleven links:

First three: Atrocities committed against Christians.

Fourth: pro-Christian

Five, six and seven: Atrocities committed against Christians

Eight and nine: Pro-Christian

Ten: Atrocities committed against Christians

Eleven: Atrocities committed against Muslims by Jews

And it doesn’t change after that. I scrolled down at least 40 entries - full of atrocities of all sorts of groups, including Genghis Khan, but not one result is listed for atrocities committed by Christians despite the known fact, that history is littered with mass killings in the name of Jesus by Christianity. Google is blatantly re-writing history once again.

You see what I mean when I write it is all one power-greed cabal. Google protects Christianity. They all work together.

So what the fuck is going on with the new rise of Christianity?

The scientifically brainwashed masses (Science is better than God) got spooked by the new transhuman face of science and thought: “Shit, they suddenly sound and look very evil and dangerous.”

“I don’t want to follow them anymore. Who can I follow instead? What are my influencers saying? What is Trump saying? Musk is rich and vocal, I think he knows shit. Can I buy some guidance please? Now would be good.”

But then there are the suspicious ones who won’t trust even Musk and Trump. They don’t trust any human. They need to be herded in with old-fashioned religion.

After all, good people need a good religion to guide their hands:

If that instrument doesn’t guide you, I don’t know what will.

“That’s too grim and unfair”, some probably complain now. Those Christian torturers, child molesters, and genociders of old were just a few bad apples. In the end, all that matters is that Jesus loves me.

“Whatever”, they say. “Christianity is still better than the transhuman devils or even Trump. I go full hardcore Christian. It is the lesser evil. And there is nothing else.”

Hint: Google Overton Window before they change it

And it is still better to be a Christian than a fucking Jew. They killed Jesus.

And those crazy Muslims? No thanks.

And the Buddhists are way too dull, and it looks like backbreaking work - all this meditating and smiling.

Fuck this, I go with Russell and Donald. Christianity is not perfect, but at least it gives me rules. Donald says we need rules, and only religions can provide us with these rules.

We urgently need a pope and the Bible to tell us that we shouldn’t shoot our neighbour in the face, rape his wife, enslave his children and steal all his belongings. Absolutely. We could never figure that out ourselves, could we?

Most Christians love peace and are lovely and reasonable people. Occasionally, they can get a tick self-righteous and intense. Then:

And now:

Granted, the above selection is a bit one-sided. Not all Christians maim, torture and kill for love.

Most Christians don’t think too deeply about these things.

Most just want a friendly community and some relaxing rituals and symbols to take their mind off the evil transhuman scientists. Symbols that bring joy back into their lives, like the cross, for example:

What a lovely and joyful scene to show their children and teach them all about spirituality: How to suffer, to be depressed, and to be self-righteous. How to be a martyr, to be a sinner and how to look down on all other religious and spiritual people. And if that gets too boring, they can always start a religious war because that’s what Jesus told them to do.

And waiting, of course. A lot of waiting. And more waiting until Jesus returns and does his judgment day thing so they can finally move back into paradise. They don’t worry about the details or the little logistical problems such a move involves. It will be so awesome to be back in paradise. And so spacious because all those non-Christian fuckers can’t come. No, no, no, no, no - only them Christians.

They earned it. Their faith was strong enough. Everything will be good—eventually, someday, very likely a very long time after death. The early applicants have been waiting for almost 2000 years now. I'm not sure where they wait, but there surely must be a big place to hold them all. Judgment day will be so awesome.

Until then, they do what their priests and pope tell them to do: submit, be a good person, repent for their sin of being born, feel guilty all the time and trust the church. The church has them covered. They are one big Christian community, all brothers and sisters, and they love each other.

And when in doubt, they just read the Bible. God himself has written it.

“But it looks like it is written by dozens of different people in many different books. And I can’t see Jesus anywhere?”

Don’t worry about it, child; God works in mysterious ways.

“But it was written decades after Jesus died. By humans.”

Don’t worry about it. God works in mysterious ways.

“But it fucking contradicts itself constantly.”

Don’t worry about it. That’s where we, the churches, come in. If you are confused about what this all means, go to the next church, and we will tell you what it means and what you need to do. God works in mysterious ways.

“But I read other spiritual books that make so much more sense and give me great practices that give me direct insights into what God is. I not even have to belief in God. I can experience God directly.”

BLASPHEMIE. BLASPHEMIE. BLASPHEMIE.

If you do that, you will end up in eternal hell.

“But I thought I am already in Hell until judgment day comes? I am already a guilty sinner that suffers his arse off everyday. Isn’t that what Hell looks like?”

Yes and no. God works in mysterious ways. Just believe, do what we say and shut the fuck up, will you?

“I like Jesus. He sounds a lot like Buddha and other mystics I read about.”

BLASPHEMIE. BLASPHEMIE. BLASPHEMIE. JESUS IS NOT A MYSTIC !!!!! HE IS GOD. THE ONLY GOD.

“So there was no God before Jesus? Nowhere? Never?”

YES and NO. IT’S COMPLICATED. AND MYSTERIOUS. And the Bible clearly says:

Just get it into your stupid little head:

“But the ancient Egyptians said this:”

Fuck the Ancient Egyptians, my child. Only what is in the Bible is true. Everything else is garbage.

“Ok, sorry, I slowly get it. This is from the Bible. Apparently Jesus said it”:

“This is also what many other mystics said. So what is it now? Can I find heaven only through Jesus, or is it within me, and I can find it myself? What is it, father?

FUCK YOU ARE ANNOYING. I TOLD YOU, IT IS COMPLICATED. AND MYSTERIOUS. BELIEVE, DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD, AND SHUT UP.

Welcome to Christianity. What can go wrong, Russell?

It is such an excellent religion for intelligent people like you. It is the perfect antidote for the confusing, mad transhuman rules we have been exposed to over the past four years. Christianity will make total sense and set you right.

Good luck, Russell.

And Joe, if you turn Christian on me, I will give you so much shit.