Do You Like To Give More But Lack Energy? Try Selflessness Instead Of Sacrifice.
Knowing the difference makes all the difference
In the worldly realm, being selfless is an essential contribution to a stable and happy society:
Why don't you take part in social work?
But I am doing nothing else all the time! And what is the social work you want me to do? Patchwork is not for me. My stand is clear: produce to distribute, feed before you eat, give before you take, think of others, before you think of yourself. Only a selfless society based on sharing can be stable and happy. This is the only practical solution. If you do not want it -- fight.
Nisargadatta Maharaj, I AM THAT
Unselfish work, an act of will and love, leads to silence of the mind.
Unselfish work leads to silence, for when you work selflessly, you don't need to ask for help. Indifferent to results, you are willing to work with the most inadequate means. You do not care to be much gifted and well equipped. Nor do you ask for recognition and assistance. You just do what needs be done, leaving success and failure to the unknown. For everything is caused by innumerable factors, of which your personal endeavour is but one. Yet such is the magic of man's mind and heart that the most improbable happens when human will and love pull together.
Nisargadatta Maharaj, I AM THAT
Why is silence so important for spiritual work and self-realization? Because it is one of the attributes of awareness.
The body has its urges and mind its pains and pleasures. Awareness is unattached and unshaken. It is lucid, silent, peaceful, alert and unafraid, without desire and fear. Meditate on it as your true being and try to be it in your daily life, and you shall realise it in its fullness
Nisargadatta Maharaj
Describing his self-realization, Nisargadatta said:
The main change was in the mind; it became motionless and silent
It is very important not to confuse selflessness with sacrifice.
Christianity is all about sacrifice, not selflessness.
The idea that Jesus willingly sacrificed himself on the cross for our sins is at the very core of Christianity, therefore sacrifice is often seen as a positive trait. I prefer the idea that Jesus, assuming he had no other choice, surrendered and acted selfless rather than in a sacrificial way.
So what is the difference?
This article provides some useful definitions on this topic:
Sacrificial and selfless are not interchangeable. While both words describe actions that involve putting the needs of others before your own, there are subtle differences between them.
Sacrificial means giving something up, often at great personal cost, for the benefit of someone else. This sacrifice could be in the form of time, money, or even physical comfort. The key aspect of sacrificial acts is that they involve a personal cost to the giver.
Sacrificial behavior is often motivated by a sense of duty, honor, or love for others.
I agree with duty and honor but have some caveats about love as a motivation for sacrifice. Love is often overused and watered down to conditional favours and affections.
If true love is the motivator, it isn’t a sacrifice because, as defined above, “the key aspect of sacrificial acts […] involves a personal cost to the giver.”
I am a purist when it comes to love. For this purpose, I define love as an unconditional state of being, a power so big, it transcends the ego.
An act of true love is always a joy for both, the lover and beloved, and therefore will never be experienced as a personal cost and excludes any notion of “sacrifice”. It transcends any egoic feelings of lack, costs or suffering in both.
That’s why Rumi famously wrote: “True lovers never meet.”
Meeting someone requires two separate entities. True lovers temporarily surrender their egoic entities and become one. Ditching our egos is the very reason why true love is the most amazing feeling we will ever experience - it is temporary enlightenment. The always-present suffering caused by imagining ourselves as separated entities is temporarily paused. True love is our true nature.
People need to be honest with themselves. If a loving action towards someone else has only the slightest hint of personal suffering attached to it, it isn’t pure unconditional love.
The suffering points to resistance and a lack of acceptance of the full consequences when we give. Perhaps a nagging regret we don’t want to admit. Maybe we stretched ourselves too much.
The pure joy of giving selflessly can sometimes be spoiled by giving from a place of belief, duty or obligation rather than love. The ego then compensates and pats itself on the shoulder saying: “This hurts me a little, but it is ok because it shows what a selfless person I am and I am proud of that.” This is how sacrifice feels and it isn’t sustainable and energizing. It is burdening.
It makes us feel a little better but is still a poor substitute for the pure joy of true selfless giving, which is based on love, not duty, belief or obligation.
In other words, sacrifice is a hidden ego trip. Duty and honour, spiritually speaking, can be ego trips.
And there is another common pitfall with sacrifice. The hurting ego strikes back and over-compensates and periods of “sacrifice” alternate with periods of “selfishness”.
Further, even hidden resentment is often felt by the people we share and will poison our gifts.
People who sacrifice “burn out” earlier or later. The opposite happens to selfless people. They get more energized and want to be more and more selfless because it feels so good.
So how do we define selflessness?
Selfless refers to the act of putting the needs or interests of others before one’s own. It involves acting without selfish motives or personal gain.
This sounds very similar, but unlike sacrifice, we don’t suffer loss or lack when we act selflessly. In other words, it should never hurt or feel like a burden or a pain. If it does, it is not selflessness. It is sacrifice.
True selflessness is an act where everyone wins. It is an act that should make both happy, loving and joyful. Only because you thoroughly loved doing it, doesn’t mean your act was selfish.
Only because you sacrificed a lot, doesn’t mean your act was selfless. Your pain doesn’t increase the value you give to the other. To the contrary. The joy and love on your face is the greatest gift you can give and tops everything else.
On the other hand, even the greatest and most valuable gift will be diminished by a suffering face.
Giving up the self is gaining love and truly selfless people feel immense gratitude to the other for allowing them to be selfless.
Sometimes we witness selfless people thanking the people they help and this puzzles many people who do not understand selflessness.
So if you do something for someone else, or consider doing it, check your heart and be honest with yourself. If it hurts just a little and you don’t feel an effortless joyful energy - don’t do it. You are not being selfless. You are sacrificial. You probably feel obliged or try hard to be good. Not the same as being selfless.
In contrast, selfless work fuelled by love and joy is one of the most successful spiritual avenues available. It simultaneously works on the outside and the inside.
Q: What about sacrifice?
M: Share willingly and gladly all you have with whoever needs -- don't invent self-inflicted cruelties.
The emphasis is on “gladly” and “willingly”. If you don’t share with love, don’t share. Wait until you feel the joy. Then share. Sometimes less is more. And you will never burn out again.
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I LOVED THIS COMMENTARY!!!! This is a keeper for me, and this essay came at a perfect moment in my life! Thank you so much, truly! I love the quotes. Outstanding!💥💜
This was a really great read thank you. I keep getting stuck in this sacrifice vs selflessness. Personally, I would prefer to do more selflessly but honestly I don't enjoy any of the doing hence my doing often feels like sacrifice. But the doing must be done, there isn't someone else to do it and it makes those I love so happy and that does bring me joy so .. is it a change of the mindset needed when doing the doing, finding some other truly selfless activities that do bring joy .. or am I missing the point altogether? I do tend to overcomplicate even the simplest things.